THE DORSET POLL

Breathtaking new Dorset Poll results show John Howard lumbering ahead in the approval ratings despite his recent repeal of the Constitution. A resounding 99% of respondents answered 'yes' to the question: 'Do you think the Australian Olympic team and John Howard are terrific?'

The poll sends a clear message to the PM that the government is on the right track with its new tax policy, with 100% of rich people strongly agreeing that the tax moratorium for the rich is good for the country.

However, there is cause for furrowed brows in the Liberal party-room: preliminary figures show 89% are not sure if Mark Latham's the person they think they haven't been seen pretending not to be delighted at being mistaken for. Analysts are still analysing this one.

Pollsters were stunned that 99% of voters said they would give an honest and genuine response to a poll if they were sure the results would truly reflect peoples' voting intentions. The other 1% is believed to represent a hitherto unknown cohort of chronic liars. Related research shows that 75% of the electorate believes it is compulsory to vote in accordance with the latest opinion poll results unless instructed otherwise by Alan Jones.

In other results, 96% believe sheep are marsupials, 49% aren't sure and 12% refused to answer on the grounds that it might incriminate them. And 71% don't believe that the hokey pokey is what it's all about.

Dorset analyst Ronald Bellwether said it was too early to tell, but the Government was obviously streets ahead and would be a sure thing at the end of the day, all things being equal when it comes out in the wash. 'No-one's sure if the tail wags the sheep or the sheep wags the tail,' said Mr Bellwether. 'But we're running a poll at the moment to find out. What's your opinion?'